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news of yore: Mutants
WHEN THE PERIODIC TABLE BECOMES PERIODIC TROUBLE. In 1886, Soviet scientists began experimenting with radioactive material.Their research greatly advanced human understanding of quantum particle physics, although, this fact was not known beyond the "iron curtain" until the latter half of the 20th century. They tirelessly probed into every shadow of what this new and largely unknown source of energy could enable them to do. Every application imaginable was pursued—and many more unimaginable. For example, all food that was cooked at every government facility was heated by exposure to raw, radiation emitting substances until 1902. This convenience was not available to the masses. It was thought at the time that besides the obvious benefit of quickly cooked meat and quickly boiled water, the radiation the food absorbed would imbue the eater with stronger physical growth and superior mental abilities. It was soon discontinued, however. Government employees, and especially those high ranking officials, grew sluggish, gray skinned, and noticeably more tingly to the touch, and developed muscle spasms. Among the negative effects, though, were: excess saliva production, frequent sudden death, exaggerated feelings of well being, gynecomatia among men, unintentional pyrokenesis, aquaphobia, incontinence (the uncontrollable relocation to a different continent), and permanently browned eyes. During the last quarter of the 19th century, Soviet programs were also begun to study the effects of radiation on making sturgeon produce more female offspring, warming Siberia without actually having to go there, repelling the French, and stimulating potatoes to secrete alcohol directly. These and all other programs of the time met with similar failure. However, the French did seem to keep away for a while. It should also be noted that there are certain groups, even today, that completely contradict these facts. Current Russian officials assert that all of the early experiments and programs were brilliantly successful. They cite as evidence Mr. Vladamir Putin, saying that such a man as Putin could only be explained if he descended from genetically mutated super Soviets who were exposed to atomically high levels of cool. Still further, it should be noted that these groups are all employed by the current president of Russia.
WITH THE BEGINNING OF THE 20TH CENTURY, focus was shifted to devising a way to make use of nuclear material in such a way so as to produce something useful for making the Russian people more equally the same as more advanced nations. After the debut of the "glass candle" at the 1901 World's Fair in Rio de Janeiro, the potential of making factory workers work regular 17 hour shifts instead of 17 hour shifts partly in the dark was envisioned by Soviet leaders. A perfect storm made of new fields of research, growing industrialization, and farsighted men lead to the creation of the Soviet Nuclear Power Program.
With targeted direction and renewed zeal, they gathered all the heavy elements they could and began constructing huge new power plants across the nation. By 1928 there were 37.4 such reactors in the capital city alone. By the end of the 1920s, Russia was the brightest of all nations as seen from space. Over the next 50 years nuclear energy became Russia's chief domestic product. They produced it is such abundance that by the mid 1960s Russia was exporting electrical power to over 23 countries, including overseas to North America by means of some of the largest cargo vessels of the day.
As the Russian government and the Russian people prospered, complacency set in. Strict safety regulations became lax. Proper disposal procedures were ignored. Rigorous training and minimum requirements were lowered. As a result, by the 1980s power plants were ill maintained. Workers were ill equipped for potential problems. Then, in 1986, exactly 100 years after their first use of radioactive material, Russia suffered one of the biggest and messiest disasters in history. The No. 2 reactor at the Chernobyl Power Plant exploded in a blinding flash of white hot light. There were only four survivors from ground zero. One of the survivors was giving the routine offering of vodka and salt to reactor 2 when the explosion occurred. She was perhaps the most fortunate of all. Despite her proximity, she still has use of the middle toes on her right foot and all eight fingers on her right hand. Others were not so fortunate. Everyone else directly affected by the blast was vaporized instantly for a radius of 320 kilometers. Those who lived farther away and who were not vaporized instantly suffered, along with the aforementioned affects on the early researchers, a bad sunburn. But, really, it is the long lasting results of the disaster that concern us today.
With targeted direction and renewed zeal, they gathered all the heavy elements they could and began constructing huge new power plants across the nation. By 1928 there were 37.4 such reactors in the capital city alone. By the end of the 1920s, Russia was the brightest of all nations as seen from space. Over the next 50 years nuclear energy became Russia's chief domestic product. They produced it is such abundance that by the mid 1960s Russia was exporting electrical power to over 23 countries, including overseas to North America by means of some of the largest cargo vessels of the day.
As the Russian government and the Russian people prospered, complacency set in. Strict safety regulations became lax. Proper disposal procedures were ignored. Rigorous training and minimum requirements were lowered. As a result, by the 1980s power plants were ill maintained. Workers were ill equipped for potential problems. Then, in 1986, exactly 100 years after their first use of radioactive material, Russia suffered one of the biggest and messiest disasters in history. The No. 2 reactor at the Chernobyl Power Plant exploded in a blinding flash of white hot light. There were only four survivors from ground zero. One of the survivors was giving the routine offering of vodka and salt to reactor 2 when the explosion occurred. She was perhaps the most fortunate of all. Despite her proximity, she still has use of the middle toes on her right foot and all eight fingers on her right hand. Others were not so fortunate. Everyone else directly affected by the blast was vaporized instantly for a radius of 320 kilometers. Those who lived farther away and who were not vaporized instantly suffered, along with the aforementioned affects on the early researchers, a bad sunburn. But, really, it is the long lasting results of the disaster that concern us today.
AFTER THE EXPLOSION, barriers were set up to keep tourists and ne'erdowells out and at a safe distance. Other living things are not so easily contained. Soon after, when radiation levels were still very high, hundreds of thousands of birds were killed, in mid flight, and fell down into the disaster zone. This of course attracted snakes of every sort. The snakes, however, also being week in constitution, died before they could completely swallow their carrion and slither off. Seagulls, being of a sounder constitution than most other birds, noshed on the dead snakes to the point they were bloated and unable to fly. They walked as far as they could, but only made it to the edge of the radiation zone. Ants carried the dead seagulls over the threshold of the lethal radiation zone. Before the ants could make off with their pilferage, however, feral dogs snatched the foul birds away from their tiny grasp and buried them throughout the wilderness surrounding the disaster area, forcing the ants to prey upon smaller game. Over time, radioactive mushrooms grew over the dead carcasses.
Additionally, immediately after the meltdown hundreds of millions of square meters of reactor coolant was atomized into the atmosphere. Nuclear Reactor coolant is normally made of intensely caustic and carcinogenic chemicals. The Soviets refused United Nations directives and used only 100% heavy water from natural sources in all of their reactors. Radioactive heavy water in the atmosphere rained glowing blue droplets for almost two weeks after the event, ultimately collecting in nearby lakes and rivers. And so began a chain of events leading up to contamination of virtually the entire ecosystem around Chernobyl.
Additionally, immediately after the meltdown hundreds of millions of square meters of reactor coolant was atomized into the atmosphere. Nuclear Reactor coolant is normally made of intensely caustic and carcinogenic chemicals. The Soviets refused United Nations directives and used only 100% heavy water from natural sources in all of their reactors. Radioactive heavy water in the atmosphere rained glowing blue droplets for almost two weeks after the event, ultimately collecting in nearby lakes and rivers. And so began a chain of events leading up to contamination of virtually the entire ecosystem around Chernobyl.
ALL BUT THE HEARTIEST ANIMALS AND THE MOST INDIFFERENT PLANTS SURVIVED. Little was left living within a 19 mile radius except very old trees, fungi, very determined ants and wild boars. All of the dead plants were consumed by mushrooms. All of the dead animals were consumed by the ants. And as everyone knows, it is impossible to kill a wild boar without a hunting sword and a vial virgin tears to protect you. Many people have forgotten, though, that even though boars hate mushrooms and will gag if you offer them one, they cannot resist scarfing anything that glows. This synergy, nigh invincible wild boars, no other competition, and an abundance of glowing mushrooms, produced the most critical situation the world has ever known.
Over the past two and a half decades, these mutated, irradiated super pigs have done nothing but grow and multiply. In 1985, estimates of the wild boar population were around 3.6. Today, estimates are impossible. Researchers, grad students, volunteers, and wild hillbillies brought in from overseas, have not been able to gather any information at all because they have all been eaten or presumed dead because all that was found of them were hunting swords and empty vials. In 1985, the average size of a wild boar was a cuddly 7 pounds. Today, brief glimpses by shrieking, hysterical women indicate five foot monsters making cracks in the concrete and asphalt as they lurk around pubs. These behemoth pigs are now more like the aurochs of the simpler times. But their girth isn't the only thing that mushroomed. They are becoming more and more vinegary with each generation. While before content with raiding some old coffin dodgers cabbage row, they now simply eat the coffin dodger, and the tires off their auto. While before content for centuries with hourly apple offerings left at the edge of the forest, they now push over an entire orchard with their mammoth, irradiated tusks, and not even eat the apples.
We here at the Pin interviewed people who have had personal encounters with the mega pork. Here's what some of them said.
Over the past two and a half decades, these mutated, irradiated super pigs have done nothing but grow and multiply. In 1985, estimates of the wild boar population were around 3.6. Today, estimates are impossible. Researchers, grad students, volunteers, and wild hillbillies brought in from overseas, have not been able to gather any information at all because they have all been eaten or presumed dead because all that was found of them were hunting swords and empty vials. In 1985, the average size of a wild boar was a cuddly 7 pounds. Today, brief glimpses by shrieking, hysterical women indicate five foot monsters making cracks in the concrete and asphalt as they lurk around pubs. These behemoth pigs are now more like the aurochs of the simpler times. But their girth isn't the only thing that mushroomed. They are becoming more and more vinegary with each generation. While before content with raiding some old coffin dodgers cabbage row, they now simply eat the coffin dodger, and the tires off their auto. While before content for centuries with hourly apple offerings left at the edge of the forest, they now push over an entire orchard with their mammoth, irradiated tusks, and not even eat the apples.
We here at the Pin interviewed people who have had personal encounters with the mega pork. Here's what some of them said.
Спочатку я боявся мега свиней. Але тоді один з них їли мого чоловіка, коли він йшов додому п'яним на ніч. Це змусило мене дуже щаслива! Мій чоловік був дуже волохаті, і він ніколи не чистити його тарілці. Мій чоловік попадання їдять був великий подарунок. Я думаю, мега свиней дар від Бога. Я просто хотіла його мати б залишити мене в спокої. —Катя
Es war der Sonnenwende, so wir um das Feuer herum waren. Alles schwebte wie erwartet wurde. Dann sagen wir aus dem Wald, viele Paare grün leuchtenden Augen. Wir dachten, die Wald-Fähren gaben uns einen großen Segen. Jedoch war die Fähren nicht! Es war eine Herde von Schweinen Uber! Sie jagten uns alles vom Feuer und es ausgerottet. Wenn wir zurückkehren, hatte sie alle unsere Sachen gegessen. Es war so viel besser als die Wald-Fähren! Das war eine Sonnenwende, die wir für immer erinnern werden. —Gertrude
Jag smashing nukleära myror med min kompis Ugo när en ultra svin kom laddning upp gatan. Det var håriga och glödande och dreglar och hade fyra jakt svärd sticker ut från ryggen. Vi alla sprang iväg men Ugo. Ultra svin åt honom i en tugga. Ugo hade min spel patron i fickan. Vi kastade stenar på den men det började laddning på oss igen. Vi sprang in i den allierade där det var för stor för att passa, men det började slå sönder blocken att få på oss. Internet författare lockas det bort med glödande svamp och lämnade. Internet författare räddade oss. Jag vet inte vem han var men han var modig. Tack internet författare! —OLF, 6 år
Nazywam się Durd. Mieszkam w Polsce. Gigantyczne świnie jest przerażające. Mój wujek Gurg znaleziono tusk. To było duże i świecące. Teraz nie mogę mieć żadnych więcej kuzynów. Myślę, że to jest złe, bo mój kuzyn Hurka w gorące, ale ona nie chce ze mną rozmawiać. Szkoda, mój kuzyn miał siostrę. Nienawidzę gigantyczne świnie. —Durd
THESE ARE CHILLING ACCOUNTS OF WHAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED. But what does the future hold? Will the world ever be safe? Will these Olympian hogs, these mythical pigs, these mutant ultra swine keep growing and glowing and gnashing people up? Is this a Euro-Asian problem, or will they develop jet propulsion organs? Have they already gained jet propulsion but are too stupid to use it? What about Chernobyl? Will larks and warblers and marmots ever peel their thunderous call there again? Should we eat the luminous growths ourselves to compete in some kind of unnatural arms race with the mutant boars? Will we, the Pin, have to pull of a miracle salvation for mankind for now the 8th time? Will it come to that? You no doubt have myriad burning questions roiling in the bestirred sea of your mind after reading this. We the Slippery Pin don't know the answers (or are sworn to keep them secret). We do have a donate button. And a forum.
What we do know, is that this article features several interesting images, and at least one song. And we hope you enjoyed this Slippery experience. Tell a friend. Tell a stranger. Telemundo!
What we do know, is that this article features several interesting images, and at least one song. And we hope you enjoyed this Slippery experience. Tell a friend. Tell a stranger. Telemundo!
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